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What now?

Tuesday, 18.09.2012 / 1:30 PM / Features
By Derek Jory
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What now?

For at least the time being, hockey has been put on hold.

Some are looking at this situation as if the glass isn’t half empty, it actually fell off the table, smashed onto the floor and broke into 739½ pieces.

If you’re like me and Vancouver Canucks hockey consumes you for at least eight months of the year, you feel a little lost right about now. Sure you’ve got gobs of free time, time to enjoy hobbies or other activities, but what good is it when following the Canucks is the hobby and watching hockey is the activity?

If someone could hand me my rose coloured glasses – thank you – I’d like to put a positive spin on how we can collectively use our free time with 11 creative suggestions.

(Please stop rolling your eyes, I have nothing else to write about…)

-Clean out your music library. Do you really still need the Men In Black soundtrack? Or Macarena, Who Let the Dogs Out?, Kung Fu Fighting, 99 Red Balloons or Sugar, Sugar? The answer is no. And you need the room for Gangnam Style. It’s the first of many quality singles from PSY. I'm sure his second single Right Now will be just as popular.

-Ultimate Dishwashing. Not sure if this exists, I just took a great word and combined it with something I hate doing. Extreme Vacuuming was a close second.

-Learn a new language. More than 14 per cent of the world’s population speaks Mandarin, Spanish is second at 5.85 per cent, and English is third at 5.52 per cent. You could always broaden your horizons and become fluent in a dialect foreign to you. Or even a dialect foreign to us all: whatever language Honey Boo Boo speaks.

-Bring back a childhood hobby. For me this could include playing Pogs, peeling stickers off a Rubik’s cube, creating NSFW Lite-Brite pictures, perfecting my Johnny 5 imitation, flushing California Raisins figures down the toilet or working up the nerve to ask out Kelly Kapowski. I had a lot of friends as a child, as you probably pieced together.

-Hula-hoop. Who doesn’t like standing with their feet shoulder-width apart, hands in the air, gyrating a plastic circle around their hips! The life skills acquired from hula-hooping are as follows: sweet dance moves and the ability to look smooth escaping/being swallowed by quicksand.

-Elongate some pennies. This is a must do – before it’s too late. Pennies will soon be extinct in Canada, so why not squish one so it looks like a guitar pick? Just find one of those squishing machines, insert a penny and two quarters (this ain’t free cheapskate) and voila, an elongated penny. Then, and only then, are you eligible to join The Elongated Collectors, a club celebrating this hobby. Once a member, get ready to really have some fun.

-Origami, bead, quilt, felt, cross-stitch, sew, crochet or knit. Or not.

-Watch movies, solve mysteries. What was in the briefcase in Pulp Fiction? How does the shark know Mrs. Brody is going to the Bahamas in Jaws the Revenge? What happened to the ship’s crew in Madagascar? What’s the deal with the guy in the dog costume in The Shining? What was in the FedEx box in Cast Away? Why was Bio-Dome ever made?

-Become a Cryptozoologist. Gorillas were a myth up until 1902. I’m serious. Pandas, giraffes and pythons were also myths at one point or another. Your job as a Cryptozoologist is to find animals that have not yet been proven to exist. May I suggest a Pugeon (pug & pigeon), Duckodile (duck & crocodile) or Chavrilian (one interested in the relationship of Chad Kroeger & Avril Lavigne).

-Write someone a letter. Get a piece of paper and a pen, write down a nice message to someone. Then go to the store, buy an envelope and a stamp. Put the letter in the envelope and lick the stamp. Then find their address and write it on the envelope. Then go find a mailbox and send the letter. Then wait 6-to-8 days for it to arrive. During that time you can realize it’s 2012 and you could have just sent them an email.

-Take up noodling. From what I’ve read, this involves catching fish by hand, usually by having a fish latch onto your arm before you drag it ashore or into a boat. It’s a smidge on the extreme side of things, but if you’ve ever wanted to do something as difficult as possible, noodling is for you. And by you I mean the one person still reading this far down after realizing no edible noodles are involved in this activity.