Scott Rintoul: Commercial Banking
Tiger Woods $10 million win at the Fed Ex Cup recently pushed him over the $1 billion mark for career earnings.
Take a closer look, and you realize that Tiger have made most of his money through endorsements, not golf tournaments. With that and the unbelievable success of the ShamWow! guy, here’s a few infomercial ideas that might benefit the bank accounts of a few current Canucks.
DANIEL, HENRIK, MIKAEL, AND ALEX: THE SWEDELES
What better way to make a few bucks than with a Swedish cover band? The recent revelation that Henrik is the more vocal of the twins makes him the obvious choice for lead singer, while Daniel would wail away on guitar. Samuelsson on bass puts all of the Canucks’ forwards at the front of the stage, while Edler backs the boys up by keeping the beat on drums.
Announcer: “New from Ktel, the Swedish singing sensation you’ve been waiting for… introducing The Swedeles! This quartet of European hockey players is the talk of the music world thanks to songs like these…”
(Henrik singing to the tune of Stuck in the Middle)
“Well I know that Samuelsson’s on my right
I’ve got a feeling that he’ll score tonight.
I’m not scared because I came here prepared
And I know my bro will snipe us a pair.
Danny’s to the left of me, Mikael’s to the right
Here I am…”
(everyone) “Puck’s in the middle with you”
Announcer: “Order now and not only will you get chart-topper Puck in the Middle, but you’ll also receive the instant classic Summer of ’99…”
(Henrik singing to the tune of Summer of ’69)
I got my first real Easton, bought it at the five and dime
Racked up points and I got drafted. Was the summer of ‘99
Me and my brother Danny formed a line and controlled the puck
At the draft, Stefan got taken. Shoulda known we’d be Canucks.
Oh when I look back now, Atlanta seemed to take forever
And though I had no choice, so glad that I’m in Vancouver
That was the best day of my life.”
Announcer: “This rare collection is available for a limited time so you have to act quickly. Order today, and we’ll include rarely performed tracks such as
Mats Sundin’s the Man (sung to Macho Man) and Swede Emotion (sung to Sweet Emotion). Call the number at the bottom of your screen, and you’ll enjoy hours of swingin’ Swedish hockey songs for the whole family!”
KYLE WELLWOOD AND STEVE BERNIER: HANDS AND CHANCE
Wellwood and Bernier are noticeably lighter this season after dropping fifteen pounds apiece during the offseason. Since the linemates have been poster boys for their summer slim downs, what better way to make an extra buck than by promoting a workout program. A spinoff on Saturday Night Live’s Hans and Franz seems appropriate, as Wellwood sports the soft hands and Bernier always seems to create a chance.
(Wellwood and Bernier dressed in grey jogging pants and sweat shirts with weight belts on and sporting bad Austrian accents)
Wellwood: “Hello, I am Hands.”
Bernier: “And I am Chance. (in unison) And we are here to SLIM, (clap), you down.”
Wellwood: “It might not look like it now, but I was once a lot heavier.”
Bernier: “Yeah, he’s serious. And so was I. Just last season, I weighed over 230 pounds.”
Wellwood: “Sometimes other players would call us girly men. But I’ll tell you who the real girly men are now – anyone that’s tries to check us.”
Bernier: “Yeah, that’s right, Hands. My new blinding speed leaves defensemen crying in the corner. They blubber like little babies when they find out they have no chance against Chance.”
Wellwood: “Yeah, he’s not lying. And guess what? You can do it too. All you have to do is follow our easy training program and you’ll be pumped, not plump.”
Wellwood: “Just call our toll free number on the bottom of the screen and you could be losing weight like the Coyotes are losing money.”
Bernier: “Put down the pizza and pick up the phone. Our DVD will turn your rolls into goals.”
Wellwood: “Until next time… I am Hands.”
Bernier: “And I am Chance. (in unison) And we are here to SLIM, (clap) you down.”
KEVIN BIEKSA: HOCKEY ON PHONICS
Maybe the first time he played a game in the NHL, Bieksa understood the regular mispronunciation of his surname. But now that he’s logged well over 200 games on the Canucks’ blue line, it has to be frustrating. The K comes before the S… how can it be Bee-ES-ka???? Brett Favre already has a patent on that type of consonant reversal.
Announcer: “Are you tired of hearing friends, family and media constantly butcher the names of professional hockey players?”
Bieksa: “Hi, I’m Kevin Bieksa of the Vancouver Canucks. For years I’ve been called Bee-ES-ka, BEEK-saw or Bike-sa.”
HNIC Clip: “Here he comes… it’s Bee-ES-ka of all people.”
Bieksa: “Now, thanks to Hockey on Phonics, even eastern hockey announcers are starting to get it right.”
HNIC Clip: “Sedin… moves it back to the point… Bieksa shoots… he scores!”
Announcer: “For just three easy installments of $14.95, you’ll receive your own copy of Hockey on Phonics. Never again will you struggle with the pronunciation of household names like Jonathan Toews, Zach Parise and Pavel Datsyuk.”
Hockey Fan Watching Game with Friend: “What a goal! That Milan Michalek can really fire the puck!”
Announcer: “But wait… there’s more. Call the number on your screen right now, and you’ll receive The NHL Silent Letter Guide. You’ll learn names like Cody Hodgson, Dustin Byfuglien and Nick Foligno when you study Chapter 5: G is for Gretzky.
Such a collection would normally retail for well over $100. Call now to receive your copy of Hockey on Phonics and The NHL Silent Letter Guide for the low, low price of three easy installments of $14.95.”
Bieksa: “Hockey on Phonics – it’s the names of the game.”